Monday, 19 June 2017

'Fat Girls Can't Wear Crop Tops'

It's hot in the UK. That means less clothing. That means more skin. That usually means a lot of girls with their midriffs showing, wearing crop tops. That usually means fat shaming.

So today, to spite this and to boost my own confidence - I wore a crop top. I know! A bigger girl wearing a crop top? It's so shameful, right? Wrong. Being bigger does not make me a different species, or any less attractive than someone of a different size. Yes, my stomach is a little rounder than someone else's, and my boobs may make the top sit weirdly but - it's hot and if everyone else can do it why can't I?

I try to do something to boost my body confidence every week, may that be buying new underwear, fake tanning or doing something I never thought I'd do - like wearing a crop top. The bottom line is, 'fat girls' can wear whatever they like. And they will.

Tuesday, 30 May 2017

My Anxiety Makes Me Feel Like A Bad Person

I feel like a bad person. My anxiety makes me feel like a bad daughter. My anxiety makes me feel like a bad friend. My anxiety makes me feel like a bad girlfriend. 

I feel like a shitty daughter when I can't tell my parents what's wrong incase I start to worry them again. I feel like a shitty daughter when I stay in my room and only come out to eat when I'm called to. Everyday I sleep till 11 because I have nightmares each night that keep me up. I feel like a bad daughter when I know my mum is worrying about me. I feel like a bad daughter when I push my dad away incase he doesn't understand. I feel like a bad daughter when I can't be the child they expected me to be. 

I feel like a shitty friend when I make an excuse about not wanting to go out. Or to the pub. Or to leave my room. When I stop drinking because I don't like not being in control. When I double check plans and am always over-organising. I feel like a bad friend when I can't be spontaneous. I feel like a bad friend because I'm boring. 

I feel like a shitty girlfriend. I follow my boyfriend around, because I’m terrified of being alone or stuck in a conversation with people I don't know. I hate how my anxiety means I take time to get used to a new situation. I hate how I'll never feel fully comfortable alone in his flat. I am quiet around his parents and his closest friends. I want to be the girl that makes them laugh and doesn't need alcohol to feel confident talking to the people who've known him longer than I have. 

I feel like a shitty girlfriend, because I am not fun. Even at night, alone together, there are times when my anxiety gets the best of me. When I know he's too tired to deal with me but he feels like he has to. When he reads my messages about anxiety attacks two hours later and feels guilty. Even though I trust him more than anyone I've ever met and I am not scared to be vulnerable around him, I will always feel like a burden. 

My anxiety makes me mad because I start fights over nothing. I read into messages. I get mad about looks and little conversations. And I look at every girl imagining how much more fun he could have with her - how much easier it could be. My anxiety makes me lie about how I'm really feeling when he needs the truth. 

My anxiety makes me feel like a bad person, because I ruin everything by overthinking everything. I worry about directions and timings. I worry about what people think of my worrying. I struggle to enjoy the good moments because my anxiety reminds me of the bad. My anxiety makes me feel like a bad person. It makes me doubt myself. It makes me hate myself and everything I know I should love. 
My anxiety makes me feel like a shitty that could not possibly be loved. Even though I know he does with and without anxiety. 

It’s still hard to fully open up with someone. It's hard to make someone understand when you don't understand what you're feeling. It’s weird to know that someone likes me for me, even when I’m having irrational thoughts that are uncomfortable to deal with. It's hard to watch the people around you get frustrated when you don't believe them. My anxiety makes me feel like a bad person - even though everyone in my life who matters would tell me I'm not. 

Sunday, 28 May 2017

Summer Beauty Wish List

I can't remember the last time I did a wish list post. Summer just around the corner seems to be the perfect excuse to make a new list of beauty bits I can't afford, but wish I could for the warmer months of the year.

It's beautiful and it blends foundation in so flawlessly. I broke my original one and trying to blend makeup with half a brush is not a great idea.

Morphe 350 Palette - £23.50
I've just always wanted this one and have actually bought it. Not to mention it's always out of stock. Anyway, it's ridiculously affordable at less than a £1 per eye shadow and Morphe eyeshadows are super pigmented and easy to work with.

Pixi Glow Tonic - £18.00
This is one of the products that changed my skin for good. It is a wonderful toner that leaves your skin glowing and fights acne. Nothing makes my skin feel or look as good, I'm so heartbroken that my bottle is empty.
I still can't believe I haven't tried this if I'm honest. It's a cult classic and it looks so glowy, gorgeous, covers beautifully and I NEED IT.
Again, a pretty affordable palette for the quality. Zoeva shadows are some of my favourites, the Cocoa Blend palette is gorgeous. This one just looks really versatile so it wouldn't be a waste of product.
I don't splash out on primers, my Rimmel one does it's job. But this would give me such dewy looking, long lasting skin - especially paired with my Born This Way foundation.
It's £33.00, yeah. For a powder. But like I've said, there's no chance of me buying any of these with my current bank balance, it's all hypothetical. I've wanted to try this forever because I love Charlotte Tilbury and how simple yet stunning her looks are. This powder seems to blur imperfections really well.
Weirdly for me, I've been so into using less foundation and covering blemishes well with concealer afterwards. The better my skin gets, the more sheer foundations appeal to me. This is a two in one which will give me natural coverage that's perfect for summer but will also make sure I can cover any scarring a pimples I still have.

Anastasia Beverly Hills Brow Wiz - £15.50
I've been meaning to repurchase this for ever because I've kinda given up with my brows ever being even or tidy. But using this product is the closest they've ever been to perfect. It's just so effortless.

So that's what I'd buy if I became a billionaire over night, which isn't looking promising at the moment. Unless anyone wants to offer?

Wednesday, 24 May 2017

10 Things I Want To Do This Summer

1. Visit a new country with a best friend
This one's already in motion as I'm planning to visit Paris with my best friend Kelly. She's always wanted to be taken to Paris by someone who loves her and I'm going to be that person. I'm buzzing for Sephora!

2. Get a tan
Wether it be fake tan which I'm finally mastering now or real, nothing makes me feel as good as having a tan. I'm so lucky that I don't burn and that my skin likes the sun. But still SPF is a must!

3. Vlog 
I miss vlogging. I'm going to definitely vlog both of my holidays this year, some of my time in Winchester and my reaction to the PLL finale. I just love editing and making it look pretty. 

4. Have a picnic
It sounds so simple but I haven't been on a picnic in years. It's a great instagram opportunity and I like to think I'd make everything from scratch including homemade lemonade but I'm pretty useless so supermarket food will have to do.

5. Go strawberry picking
I've never been but it's something I've always wanted to do. 

6. Highlight my hair
Already done this one haha! I highlighted the ends of my hair last week and although it's super subtle, it's given me a lot of confidence.

Well, what would summer be without alcohol? I want to drink. Simple.

8. Successfully use the tube by myself
This is a huge goal, as ridiculous as it sounds. Travel honestly gives me the worst anxiety, even when I'm so prepared. And hopefully, I'll be using the tube and doing it this Sunday. Fingers crossed.

9. Finish Game of Thrones in time for season 7
So I was practically forced to start watching it and now I love it. I'm obsessed. As long as I get it done before the new season starts I'll be happy. Shoutout to Will for his SkyGo account, you da best.

10. Be happy in a bikini
Hahaha. This is so unrealistic but I'm gonna give it my best shot. I deserve to feel good, so I'm gonna try to.

Monday, 22 May 2017

Planned Spontaneity

STORY TIME: Some days you need to get out and be spontaneous. Not for anything in particular but the little things build up and you need to find something other than writing essays in bed and feeling sorry for yourself. Kelly is the person who gets me out.

I'm not a spontaneous person, I have to plan. If I don't plan, I stress. So I've found a good balance in planned spontaneity.

We had planned to do something just to get us both out. Friday night. Whenever she finished work. Maybe go for a drive. Maybe the beach. Weather permitting. We'll do something. But that was it. Enough of an actual plan that I wouldn't be stressing about what was happening but we had no details of it actually sorted.

So on Friday, when I actually had plans for the evening, we had a power cut. For two hours I waited. I couldn't shower so I couldn't get ready. I couldn't make a cup of tea. I couldn't pass the time by watching television. I couldn't cook. I couldn't even write my essay. I couldn't tell Charlotte I was going to be running late because my phone was dead, my iPad was dead and so was my laptop. I couldn't even call her because her prone was broken. We had no service, no wifi. So two hours later when it finally came back I had to rush to get ready and ended up leaving an hour and a half later than planned. But I wasn't stressed about it.

I picked her up and we did decide to go to the beach. She gave me a gift she's bought me. I let her direct me because I'd never driven to Hastings before. We got everything that had bothered us since we'd last seen each other off our chests. When we'd parked, we took a nice - windy - walk to get some chips. We bought some cokes. We ate on the beach and chatted. We fought off seagulls. We walked along the beach, people watched. We got back to the car and decided we wanted sorbet. We stopped at Sainsbury's for mango and raspberry sorbet and grabbed some cola bottles, some maoams and some teeth and lips. We drove back to mine. We watched lots of RuPaul's Drag Race and half an episode of Pretty Little Liars. I dropped mango sorbet all over the floor and cleaned it up whilst Kelly laughed at me. I drove her home.

Now that kind of cheap, cheerful and completely stress free evening could not have happened if we'd planned every detail. She said to me 'I like us being spontaneous' and I said 'it's more like planned spontaneity'. Planned spontaneity is the way forward from now on.