'Two Sizes Too Big'

On lazy days I wear ugly jeans that are two sizes too big
just to remind me how far I've come
and though it's taken years of sweat and tears and mind-numbing hate
it's a small something, I've done something

I know it's never going to stop
I know that there will always be nights when I wake up screaming
the thought of someone touching my skin
the thought of letting them see everything
having to explain the scars and bruises and the cuts

my body has become a map
it's a one-way journey
places I've been
mistakes I've made
times I should have been more careful when shaving
times I should have looked where I was going
times I touched the cake tin straight from the oven
times I dropped the straighteners

I feel like my skin is two sizes too big for me
I've never grown into it properly
the way it hangs and bulges
I've never adjusted to it

If I could talk to a younger version of myself
I'd ask her to try new vegetables
grow her own fruit
play sports with her friends
drink more water
learn to moisturise
don't pick scars
wear some suncream
stop biting at her nails

but I don't think I'd be me without it all
without all the things I want to break mirrors for
and although I'm stuck between knowing I'm beautiful
and wanting to tear myself apart and step out as someone new
I like the way my hair curls when it's damp
I like the mole on the right of my chest
I like my lips when I wear lipstick
I like how dark my eyes are
I like my figure in black jeans

And on the rare occasion
I like me
For that I am proud
-e.w.

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