25 Thoughts I Had On The 1st Of December 2016

  1. I don't care if I'm 19 and at uni, if Mum hasn't got me an advent calendar I'm going to cry
  2. I should probably start Christmas shopping now
  3. I can't afford Christmas
  4. I miss my childhood best friend
  5. I might become famous Kim K style just to meet Ant and Dec
  6. Why are advent chocolates so small?
  7. I really need to start blogging regularly again
  8. How on earth has Larry Lamb just been voted out of the jungle? Why is Martin still in?
  9. I need to sleep
  10. I can't wait to make new years resolutions I won't keep and write a cringy post about them
  11. I'm so happy I don't have work this week
  12. SEASON 7 OF THE VAMPIRE DIARIES IS ON NETFLIX!!!
  13. Should I dry my hair tonight or not?
  14. What happened last night?
  15. I SHOULD NOT HAVE DRUNK SO MUCH LAST NIGHT
  16. I love Joel Dommett
  17. I'm going to fail my first year at uni
  18. WHY HASN'T MY PINK FUR COAT COME YET?
  19. I have so much work to do for next week I might just hibernate for a week
  20. I need to hoover
  21. Who is Kiosk Keith? Where did he come from? Does he have a family? How much does he get paid?
  22. I love the people I spend my time at uni with
  23. I want to join a gym
  24. LOL imagine me in a gym
  25. I can officially play Christmas music in the car and not hate myself for it

I'm At University And I've Never Been Happier


If I could travel back in time to any point of my time at secondary school and tell a struggling, younger version of myself that I was going to be at University, younger me would have laughed in wise me’s face. If only I had know that I would be doing exactly what I love with fantastic people I love and still be able see my parents, my old friends, keep my job and sleep in my own bed. I'm a Film, Radio & Television student in my favourite city and I'm feeling great.

I wasn’t even confident this year I could do it. I originally deferred my application because I was scared. What if my anxiety is really bad? What if I don’t find anyone nice in my group? What if I waste £9,000 because I’m not clever enough to do this? I cannot express how glad I am to have started at Canterbury Christchurch this year. 

University has honestly been the best thing that’s ever happened to me. And I don’t regret choosing to stay home and commute to beautiful Canterbury one bit. There was such a stigma over the fact that I a) didn’t move away and b) didn’t move out. Again, I thank every god there is that I did exactly what I did because I have so much freedom and security at the same time. I’m not a going out out person but I have done and enjoyed it so I’m proud of that. Our friends at home even come out to see us so it’s literally the best of both worlds. Travelling is fine. My new car has made me more confident in my driving and although parking is sometime a nightmare, I can get into Canterbury in 40 minutes-1 hour on most days. There are so many others travelling too, I don’t feel like the only one. Plus, I can always stay with Charlotte or Nat and we have regular cute dinner dates (although I’m the only one who can actually cook). I get to use amazing technology and beautiful cameras on a daily basis; I’m learning with people just as passionate as me. It’s hard but I’m capable and not alone. I still keep my job and am even doing better at work. I get to hug my Mum everyday, I’m thankful the petty arguments with Dad and I still have time with Morgan. AND I GET TO SLEEP IN MY OWN BED AND GET READY AT MY OWN DRESSING TABLE. 

I’ve been so calm considering. There are moments of panic but, they pass and I feel instantly better afterwards. I think I’m finally getting my anxiety under control. (She says with fingers crossed.) I have fallen into a routine; I never forget my medication anymore and I feel better for it. I think I'm generally getting better.

I’ve met so many amazing people, too many to list, but still get to see important people in my life too. I get to see my two best friends from school at Uni everyday - I even stay with Charlotte once a week. I honestly don’t think we’ve ever been closer. We’ve met each other’s friends from our courses too. I’m lucky to finally call Nat a best friend too, she’s a ray of sunshine that I feel like I’ve known for years. I’ve befriended (wether they like it or not) Nat’s flat and spend time cooking and cleaning there as if it’s my own home. I’m thankful for their hospitality when I’ve been homeless or hungry. I still get to see Megan and Sof (wouldn’t cope if I didn’t) and I have time to talk to everyone from school. I’m so #blessed to have the best people in my group. Even people on my course I don't see every single day are great. People are just so diverse and accepting. It's such a great feeling to be around such nice people. Everyone is so genuine in my group and we share the same interests and we’ve all bonded and been through so much already. The guys are clever and funny and just great people that I'm so lucky to spend time with (shoutout to Will, Matt and Scott especially even though they'll never read this). 

And then there’s Monique…

She’s alright I guess. Honestly, I’ve never felt so close to someone so quickly. It’s been less than a month and I feel like I know her so well. We’ve been asked if we’ve been lifelong friends and it really does feel like that. She is the reason I get out of bed on the days I only have one lecture. She brings me iced tea when I’m in a bad mood. She’s genuinely the best thing about Uni. I can barely function on campus without her moaning about all the walking or how tired she is. I think I like her even more because she commutes and she’s the only girl in our friendship group (otherwise I’d have to compete for her love). She’s hilarious and beautiful and I’m so so lucky to have met her. It’s genuinely a nightmare to think that if I’d been put in a different group or had deffered my application I would have walked down the Powell corridor and would have no idea who she was. I’d still think she looked pretty great though. She is pretty great. I can genuinely call her one of my best friends and I hope she feels the same.


It’s been a wonderful month of… Dr Who Society. 9 am starts. Undercooked sausages. Invading other flats. Body slams. Cringing. Willy will. Shadow puppets. Monick. Almost brekadowns. Snakes. Bus rides to the club. Confusing animations. McDonalds Tuesdays. Cameras worth more than my life. Chemistry. Waitrose pasta. Harry making me laugh. Park and ride. Failed socialising. Free dominos. Kitchen disasters. Pub crawls. Starbucks George. Touristic Cathedral pictures. Almost fights. Lectures. Tim’s tips. Being silly with Charlotte. Dabbing. Ball boy. Leans. Free crap. Drunk crying. Raspberry iced tea. ALCOHOL. Bryan. Will Griggs. Rainbow drops. Group chat in lectures. Learning to love McDonalds. Lots of walking. Monique moaning about walking. Ed Byrne. Flooded hobs. Jeremy Kyle. Cry laughter. 

But most importantly… pure happiness for the first time in years.

My Love/Hate Relationship With 'Fashion'

I have never considered myself stylish or fashionable. And I'm okay with that. Yes, I'm stupidly materialistic now and I'm not afraid to admit it but, I have never been one to splash on clothes or accessories. When I was growing up I always asked for books and dvds; I let my Mum pick all my outfits for me. When I first started earning money, a majority of my spending money went to makeup in an attempt to make myself feel better. And naturally, as I earned more and learnt more, I spent more and I fell in love with high end products and the obsession just grew. I used to be the kid who was good at saving and would feel very proud next to my brother who always throws away all his money in a few days. Now I'm the one who struggles to keep the shopaholic tendencies at bay. Yes, I buy less makeup now because I just don't need it and I have way too much but, in an attempt to lessen my insecurities, I still want to look good. 

As a slightly bigger girl I struggle with clothes. I have never known what looks good. I know I see myself as bigger than other people do. I don't quite fit into the plus size definitions but I also fluctuate through sizes very quickly. I have great body days and truly awful body days. But I'm constantly learning so much about myself. I honestly think the secret to body confidence is that I'm dressing more for myself and less for other people. There's a huge percentage of me that says 'f*** it, I'll just wear what I want and screw what everyone else thinks' but I know more about dressing for my figure now so I'm currently combining both options to only wear what I'm happy in but still making sure I look good for myself. It's taken a while to get here.

I'm not ashamed to admit I hate actually shopping. I have to be in the right frame of mind to shop; I have to be full of caffeine, feeling body positive and unless someone else is trying something on, I hate using the changing rooms. Whenever I shop with my best friends, I will always be persuaded to try something on. Usually I am disappointed with the way the outfit looks on me in comparison to the mannequin or how it would look on my best friend. More recently, with my growing acceptance of my body in every state and size, I have come to accept a changing room disaster feeling less traumatised than I have been before. I think I'm more likely to find something that suits me now just because my mentality has changed towards the way I look in things. Sure, my stomach doesn't look entirely flat in that but who's really looking? Yeah my arms are out and I hate them but that just gives me an excuse to buy a cute jacket to match this cute top. 

Ever since I paid for Premier Next Day Delivery on ASOS, I'm guilty of a huge order every so often. I buy stuff I'd never try just to try it on which sounds stupid but just shows me how much flexibility and option I really have in clothes. I try everything on and send half of it back. Not only is ASOS sizing trust worthy, the brand has never let me down on customer service (free returns, ree next day shipping, text message updates) and they have so much choice. I love ASOS (damn you Charlotte) and I'm not ashamed anymore to buy a bigger size if I think it'll look better on me. That's life, clothes look different on everyone and they're all made differently. 

I find myself more than ever seeing an outfit on tv, in youtube videos or in films and looking for something like it. And I'll try it but if it doesn't suit me then that's fine because there's plenty more that will. For example, I'm super obsessed with Hepburn at the moment and after watching Breakfast At Tiffany's three times in one hormonal week (and crying every time) I was obsessing over her wardrobe. I scoured Primark for striped tops, found these sunglasses similar to the ones in the film and bought this - the most beautiful trench coat for over half price in the sale that I can't stop wearing.  I'm also stupidly lusting over this sleep mask inspired by the movie which is definitely not necessary but so gorgeous. (I'm resisting urges to buy the exact lipstick she's wearing in the film). Also I've always been one of the only women on the planet that hates shoe shopping. Not anymore. There's a huge pile in my asos saved list. I need serious help.

I'm losing more weight recently probably as a result of stress, diet and just because I'm subconsciously dressing better and feeling better. People notice too, that's a bonus. I'm not at all condoning my shopaholic problem but I honestly believe buying things I look good helps me in so many ways. What I'm trying to say as always is that it is okay to feel great. You don't have to feel guilty about thinking you look good. However, at the end of the day you should feel great for you not for anybody else. Sure, a compliment goes a long way but I don't make an effort to be told by other people what I already know. Being materialistic is a constant struggle of savings over everything else in my life but I've got a balance. But if something makes you feel good and you are being sensible with your money, buy it. 

I genuinely wake up every morning wishing I was Blair Waldorf and I could live that glamorous socialite life, throwing money around but I'm now OFFICIALLY a struggling student working on her career in the media and self esteem issues. Even Holly Golightly wasn't perfect, she funded her love for Tiffany's and designer brands in awful ways. Anyway, enough Hepburn. My overall point is that I feel good when I look good so if that means waking up an hour earlier for Uni then that's what I'll do. I can maintain this confidence throughout my degree and do well for myself so that one day, I can spend what I want. When you finally shut everyone else's looks and comments out it's relief. I look better than ever and it's because I wear what I want and what flatters me. And trust me, it feels amazing... Now someone ban me from ASOS...
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MAJORCA 2016 VLOGS

Finally managed to get this on to YouTube. Holiday blues!



100 MORE Things That Currently Make Me Happy

Back in early 2015, I wrote a blog post entitled '100 Things That Currently Make Me Happy'. Whilst some of those are still relevant (clean makeup brushes, mojitos, Neil Patrick Harris, mozzarella sticks) others are outdated and cringe worthy (Zalfie, laughing when someone trips over, when you can see the stars) and I feel that this list needs an update. So tonight I bring you another 100 things that currently make me happy.

  1. my best friend's mums
  2. taking my lashes off after a long day
  3. driving my new car
  4. Ian Somerhalder
  5. vanilla milkshake
  6. having a nap with Charlotte
  7. holiday friends
  8. DELENA
  9. being complimented on my makeup
  10. editing my vlogs
  11. Breakfast At Tiffany's
  12. the fact that my skin is clearing up
  13. All The Bright Places
  14. doing my friends eye makeup
  15. the Dirty Dancing soundtrack
  16. my friends being so bloody happy that it makes my heart hurt
  17. when Morgan's in a good mood
  18. Katherine Pierce/ Katerina Petrova
  19. Canterbury
  20. asos orders
  21. Strawberry Daiquiris
  22. Fortesa Latifi
  23. my trench coat
  24. The Princess Diaries
  25. my feel good playlist
  26. the fact that I actually got into Uni
  27. Song For Zula by Phosphorescent
  28. saying 'peachy keen jelly bean' and pretending I'm Rizzo
  29. Chuck and Blair
  30. spending time with Megan
  31. Much Ado About Nothing
  32. good brow days
  33. watching Come Dine With Me with Morgan
  34. getting drunk enough not to care what people think about me
  35. Fix You by Coldplay live
  36. when the last customer leaves at work
  37. Charlotte being the first person to watch my vlogs
  38. the ABH Modern Renaissance Palette
  39. this scene in TVD
  40. fast repliers (aka not Charlotte)
  41. Julie Andrews 
  42. copper decoration
  43. the fact that PLL has actually been good recently
  44. finishing a poem that has been in pieces for too long
  45. Loren's reaction when Shania Twain, Celine Dion, Elton John, Michael Jackson or Walk The Moon starts playing
  46. Cemetery Junction
  47. wearing clothes I actually like instead of clothes to hide my insecurities
  48. people trying to assassinate Donald Trump
  49. how excited I am for I'm A Celeb to start
  50. Lil swearing
  51. my Mum
  52. my Mum being drunk
  53. my Mum being a legend
  54. temporarily forgetting how broke I am
  55. that fact that T-Swizzle is allegedly recording new music
  56. coconut oil
  57. the Salvatores
  58. Lil plaiting my hair
  59. YSL Black Opium
  60. dancing in my underwear
  61. AUTUMN
  62. buying sunglasses
  63. How I Met Your Mother (like apart from the finale what was that lol)
  64. the fact that slugs just disappear in the day
  65. Audrey Hepburn
  66. talking about makeup
  67. the most awkward hug ever
  68. makeup
  69. makeup tutorials
  70. makeup hauls
  71. makeup related stuff
  72. Majorca
  73. baby faced Johnny Depp
  74. the really effing good days
  75. the dull ache and buzz after finishing a series
  76. 'baked in a buttery flaky crust'
  77. Covent Garden
  78. everything about Disneyland with Charlotte
  79. the Caramel Swirl in Quality Street
  80. parked car conversations
  81. binge watching RuPaul's Drag Race
  82. blow drying my hair
  83. texting Megan
  84. when someone finally starts watching a show I love
  85. taking off my uniform
  86. the fact I never have an English lesson again
  87. A Certain Romance by Arctic Monkeys
  88. Moakes
  89. strawberry and banana smoothies
  90. hearing the rain outside when you're in bed
  91. people being soppy in group chat
  92. people being savage in group chat
  93. potato salad
  94. the fact that I'm going to Uni with my two favourite people in the world
  95. clean sheets
  96. the fact that I fake tanned for the first time and it actually went well
  97. hair growth
  98. my grandparents
  99. the fact that Charlotte and Lil booked Bridget Jones tickets, went to see Bridget Jones, sat down to watch Bridget Jones but didn't watch Bridget Jones because it's not on till next week
  100. custard

Results Day | All The Emotions

It's fair to say that the whole A level results process this year has killed me. I feel physically and emotionally exhausted after this morning. It's been a pretty hard year so far in general, the things I've been through this year certainly added to the challenge of three A levels.

I woke up to find I had been accepted into my firm choice for University. This was a relief because that was obviously the biggest stress for me today; the thought of having to go through the stress of clearing made me feel physically sick. Knowing I needed 280 points to get in, which is luckily pretty realistic for someone like me, was such a comfort. I felt great. I knew that being accepted meant I had passed with B,B,C or higher. Or so I thought...

When I arrived to collect my results, super early and front of the queue, I knew I needed to read them alone. Despite myself I felt optimistic; I hadn't screwed up any of the exams that badly even when the questions were completely unrelated or vague. When I finally opened the piece of paper I felt my heart sink. Disappointed. I'd worked harder in school than ever this year whilst battling mental and physical health problems, work and trying to be a sociable for once. I really thought I'd done well. Don't get me wrong, coming out of results day with B,C,C (the B being the most important subject) is absolutely nothing to be ashamed of but personally, it's just so far off from what I wanted. Having achieved A,B,B last year, being on track for the same this year and surrounded with constant encouragement that I would come out with what I wanted by teachers, friends and family, I really felt like a disappointment. It's stupid because I'm sure many people would read this and think I'm ungrateful; I'm going to my favourite University in my favourite place with my best friends and I'm lucky to have made it this far this year. But it doesn't change the fact that I set high expectations for myself and I failed to meet them. I'm kind of surprised I got accepted now, although I tell myself I'm talented and they want me for my creativity not for my grades. I'm also looking to get one of my papers remarked as I'm not far from the higher grade and I did amazingly well in the coursework. I did the very best I could and that's all anyone can do.

I've spoken to the most important people in my life about it. Everyone says the same thing: you're going to University, don't worry about the grades. It's true and I know it is. I always wonder if I didn't have anxiety, if I was a calm person, would I have reacted in the same way? Probably not. Me without anxiety would tell you that I'm proud of myself and I passed despite all the crap the universe threw at me this year. I like being that girl. 

At the end of the day, tests and exams don't matter. They're only numbers and letters on a piece of paper. You're not made up of numbers and letters, you are made up of all your favourite things and the places you've been, the things you've seen. That's more important. My family will always be proud, my friends are supportive and I'm so thankful for that. So I just want you to know, wether you're collecting your GCSES, A levels, your degree or a test certificate: it's just a number or letter. Be more than that. Have high expectations for yourself but don't feel like a disappointment when you don't quite get there. It's a journey. You can do anything.

My Skin Story: The Next Chapter

This has been a long time coming... Back in February 2015 I posted about my acne, a very sensitive subject for me. (You can find this post here). Since that post has always had the most audience engagement, I guess it's finally time to update the world on my zits, spots and scars. 






Since the last post, where I happily highlighted how much my skin had cleared up, my skin has fluctuated a lot. My pores shrunk, my pores got bigger, I got a lot of blackheads, I cleared my blackheads, I broke out a lot, I scarred. It seems that recently it's unsure what to do. My skin has been a hell of a lot worse; those first photos on that original blog post seriously confuse and shock me so much. My skin is constantly cycling through good stages and bad. I'm okay with it on most days. Some days I hate it.

At the moment, I would give my skin a 7 out of 10 for how well it's doing, 10 being the best I've ever seen it. A week ago, having just got home from the most wonderful holiday in Majorca, my skin was incredibly clear (video above shows difference of two weeks). When I'm in the sun my skin clears up drastically and looks beautiful. But being home a week has broken me out a little anyway; I'm stressing about A Level results on Thursday and I'm back to work and all the unnecessary dramas that simply don't exist on holiday. Don't get me wrong, it could be worse but it's a lot of new breakouts that are generally upsetting me, especially as I'm striving to keep my makeup simpler in preparation for Uni and I struggle to cover my acne unless making the effort with full coverage products. Currently, I also seem to be breaking out in different areas that have usually always been clear, most noticeably my forehead (linked to stress and sleep deprivation) and my jawline/neck even though my acne is primarily hormonal. I'm usually okay with the scarring because I know it's fading and it's not too hard to cover, but anymore possible scars terrify me. I'm comfortable with my oily/combination skin.





My current skin care routine is as follows: Liz Earle Cleanse & Polish and Liz Earle Skin Repair Moisturiser in the morning. I use these products at night also but I use Pixi Glow Tonic before moisturising. I'll occasionally use Vitamin E oil as a substitute for moisturiser as I have noticed a huge difference in the fading of my scars using it. I wipe down all my products and my hands with a sanitising makeup wipe when doing my makeup. Twice a week (usually on a Wednesday and Sunday) I use Origins Out of Trouble 10 Minute Mask which is seriously amazing for my skin. I still swear by Elizabeth Arden Eight Hour Cream for literally anything on the face. I use it every time I find a spot that will be hard to cover, to heal it slightly.

A long list of what I've tried since the last post: Coconut Oil (made a difference to the oils of my skin and worked wonders on my pores), Baby Oil (when I'm desperate for cleanser and I'm broke. I don't recommend it, at all, huge mistake, save it for the makeup brushes) Garnier Micellar Water (still love this stuff, will always chose this over a makeup wipe), Makeup Wipes (honestly just don't use them on your face), Essential Oils Rosehip, Thyme, Orange Sweet, Bergamot (when I want to give myself a mini facial. I've also found that thyme oil is also great at clearing up individual break outs), Tea Tree Oil (doesn't do much for me anymore, too much of an irritant even when diluted), Origins Super Spot Remover (brings out the spot early so good if you need to clear something quickly but not ideal for the whole face) Biore Self Heating Masks (these really cleared my blackheads and are really quick and easy and I still use these to really pull all the crap out of my face when I'm too poor to buy the Origins Mask). 

Makeup wise, I always want to look like I have perfect skin. I have had comments from people that say they would have no idea I had awful skin because I cover it so well; I'm proud of that. Primer wise, I tried using the Nivea Men's Post Shave Balm and it worked for a while and I think seriously toned down my redness but I have since thrown it out because of concerns it was doing more damage than good to my skin. NYX Angel Veil has always been great and so has Max Factor Facefinity so I switch between these two on the daily. Foundation wise I've always loved Nars Sheer Glow, Mac Studio Fix Fluid (despite it being super heavy) and YSL Touche Eclat. However my absolute favourite foundation ever has to be Makeup Forever Ultra HD Foundation. It covers almost everything, is lightweight, can be built up, has no flashback, has never broken me out, doesn't oxidise and has a great range of shades. I actually love the way my skin looks with this on. I also use Mac Fix+ a lot to give my skin more moisture and to keep me from looking cakey. My favourite acne coverage concealers are Mac Pro Longwear, Rimmel Match Perfection and Collection Lasting Perfection. There is an endless list of things I want to try, cult classics that other people claim to be holy grail but I just haven't got round to it. And I'm poor.


My biggest issues with my skin at the moment are the new breakouts which I need to clear and my scaring. I'm cutting down my dairy intake drastically at the moment to see if it makes any difference to my overall skin. I drink rice milk now, which isn't actually as bad as it sounds because I hate the taste of almond milk. I struggle to contour over my acne because of the raised skin and am yet to find the perfect way around it. I'm trying to shorten my routine to save myself time when I have to drive to Uni. I also hate being told I wear too much makeup, that I don't need it and that I'd look better without it. It's not easy to pull of a minimal look when I have no eyelashes from my alopecia and bad, textured skin. I still get asked, 'why do you wear so much makeup if you have acne? Aren't you making it worse?' No I'm not. I know what works, I know which products break me out and I'm incredibly careful with what I put on my face. At the end of the day, my skin is exactly that, MINE, and I know what works for me and doesn't. I'm proud of the journey I'm on and I urge everyone who feels bad about their skin problems to talk about it. I don't need telling that I'm beautiful with and without makeup and no matter how many obnoxious comments I get about my makeup, my skin and the way I look: I got this.

FOTD #2: Majorca 2016 Bold Red Lips & Glow





Face:
Max Factor Facefinity Primer
Mac Fix+
YSL Touche Eclat Foundation
Mac Pro Longwear Concealer
Collection Lasting Perfection Concealer
Rimmel Stay Matte Translucent Powder
Mac Mineralize Skinfinish Natural
NYC Smooth Skin Bronzer
Benefit Hola Bronzer
Ted Baker Blush/Bronzer
Gerrard Cosmetics Star Powder 'Grace'
Urban Decay All Nighter Setting Spray

Brows:
Anastasia Beverly Hills Dipbrow 'Dark Brown'
Freedom Makeup Brow Powder
Benefit Ready, Set, Brow! Gel
Kryolan Derma Colour Camoflauge Cream

Eyes:
Mac 'Painternly' Paintpot
Mac Fix+
Urban Decay Naked Palette: Sidecar, Naked, Buck, Virgin, Creep
Gerrard Cosmetics Star Powder 'Grace'
Maybelline Lash Sensational Mascara
Ardell Demi Wispies
PrimaLash #415

Lips:
Mac Russian Red Lipstick
Jefferee Star Unicorn Blood Liquid Lipstick 

(Apologies for how messy my lashes look in the second picture. I have no idea what happened???)

My Most Played Songs | 1-25

Song For Zula // Phosphorescent

I first heard this song when I saw the second Spiderman remakes and fell in love with it. There is something so beautiful and painful about it. It is a song that truly calms me down, a song I have often saved myself from panic attacks from and have since bought on vinyl. I also recently heard it unexpectedly in The Vampire Diaries and burst into tears. Trust me when I say that this song is incredible.

“So honey I am now, some broken thing. I do not lay in the dark waiting for day here. Now my heart is gold, my feet are right. And I'm racing out on the desert plains all night.”

---


Delicate // Damien Rice

I first heard this song in Misfits and this prompted my love affair with Damien Rice. Nothing makes me feel like Damien Rice’s music. His music is the kind of thing I want to drink wine to on a summer’s evening and also has been the background to many breakdowns. His voice and everything about his music is truly stunning. It’s hard to fault this song.

“It's not that we're scared. It’s just that it's delicate.”

---


Glitter In The Air // P!nk

Yet another song I found in a tv show, sense a pattern yet? This one was in the first season of Pretty Little Liars (and incidentally was the beginning of many couples and Hanna and Caleb’s first sex scene whoooo). It’s another powerful and moving song.

“Have you ever hated yourself for staring at the phone? Your whole life waiting on the ring to prove you're not alone. Have you ever been touched so gently you had to cry? Have you ever invited a stranger to come inside?”

---


Dogwood Blossom // Fionn Regan

Similar to Damien Rice in style and equally as slow and moving. I first heard this one in This Is England ’86 and trust me I sobbed. The scene and situation was so emotional in the first place but the characters meant so much to me and this song reflects the dark themes in the story so beautifully.

“You say that you're troubled and you always have been uncomfortable in your own skin. So you contemplate the river bed, turn off the dark thoughts in your head.”

---


Blue Jeans // Lana Del Rey

The first song I didn’t hear on a show or in a film first! Yay! I did hear it in Misfits and thought it was used well but it’s just really great song and Lana is incredible in every way.

“But you fit me better than my favourite sweater, and I know that love is mean, and love hurts. But I still remember that day we met in December, oh baby.”

---


After All // Dar Williams

This song means so much to me. When I was at my worst with depression this genuinely helped me push through the hardest days. It also reminds me of the day I got my best friend back and we watched the sunset together on a hill and I cried. I can’t explain why it means so much but it’s in the lyrics. It reminds me why I chose to live every time I hear it. 

“Well the sun rose with so many colours it nearly broke my heart. It worked me over like a work of art and I was apart of all that.”

---


Another Love // Tom Odell

Crap. I had it together. Okay, I heard this song so many times when it was a hit but never truly loved it till I loved The Vampire Diaries. I never appreciated the rawness of this song until the Delena rain kiss. Wow. I need to move on from this already.

“On another love, another love. All my tears have been used up.”

---


Saturday Night’s Alright (For Fighting) // Elton John

I LOVE ELTON. This song is part of the soundtrack for my favourite film Cemetery Junction and it literally puts me in the best mood. Notice how rare the happy songs are? I can’t help it!

“Don't give us none of your aggravation. We had it with your discipline. Saturday night's alright for fighting. Get a little action in.”

---


Wings // Birdy

Daaaamnnnn Elana - back at it with the Delena feels. I will never be over this scene/episode/song, I honestly cried all my acne cream off when I watched it, I was such a mess. I can’t even talk about it…

“Oh lights go down, in the moment we're lost and found. I just wanna be by your side, if these wings could fly for the rest of our lives.”

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 In My Veins // Andrew Belle FaceTime. Erin McCarely

Again a Pretty Little Liars sex scene but also in The Vampire Diaries. Just a really beautiful and well used song. 

“Everything will change. Nothing stays the same. Nobody here's perfect. Oh, but everyone's to blame.”

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Pull Me Down // Mikky Ekko

Pretty Little Liars again. Haleb’s reunion and a really deep and addictive song.

“We could be king and queen of the moonlight. Two young lovers and when the moods right you hear me say 'I want you'”


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Suggestions // Orelia Has Orchestra

Who’d have known so many Pretty Little Liars songs would be in this list? I can’t even explain how well this was used, twice in the show. This kind of creativity is exactly why I want to produce television.

“Was it me or his feelings? Me or his feelings that day? Cause I just stood there in silence, watched while my world blew away.”

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Low Rising // The Swell Season

Annddddd… How I Met Your Mother has made an appearance on this list. Not only was the scene emotional, this song is so full of pain and sounds so raw that I fell in love with it instantly.

“I wanna sit you down and talk. I wanna pull back the veils and find out what it is I've done wrong. I wanna tear these curtains down. I want you to meet me somewhere tonight in this old tourist town.”

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Young Hearts // The Shires

Young Hearts Run Free by Candi Staton is one of my favourite songs ever but when you really listen to the lyrics, it’s actually really sad which contrasts with the happy tune. The Shires’ cover of the song is stunning and reflects the real meaning behind the lyrics.

“I'm gonna love me for the rest of my days, encourage the babies every time they say: ‘Self-preservation is what's really going on today…’”

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Heavy Heart // Madi Diaz

Back to Pretty Little Liars now, oops. Another emotional song. I often feel like I have a heavy heart.

“What in the world could it be this time now? I thought that I could make it a day without my heavy heart.”

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O’ Children // Nick Cave & The Bad Seeds

Nick Cave’s music is incredibly dark and hauntingly beautiful. I found this song through Harry Potter and The Deathly Hallows Pt. 1 when Hermione and Harry danced. This is perhaps my all time favourite scene in any of the films. a) it really felt like Emma and Dan b) it is not in the books but works perfectly c) it’s crazily dark and uplifting at the same time d) it’s one of only two songs in the entire series which was not written for Harry Potter e) it’s the only time I ever doubted my Ronmione heart f) it was the only thing that made part 1 more exciting. Can you tell I’m a massive Potterhead? It's weird and complex and creepy but gorgeous. After hearing this song I fell in love with Nick Cave and I am so mesmerised by his voice.

“Hey little train! We are all jumping on! The train that goes to the Kingdom! We're happy, Ma, we're having fun! And the train ain't even left the station!”

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Paradise Circus // Massive Attack

Wow. Huge Misfits moment. I remember bawling my eyes out the first time (not on the Delena scale but still substantially). It’s such a clever storyline and I’m a sucker for a clever storyline with a great but weird song.

“Love is like a sin, my love for the ones that feel it the most. Look at her with her eyes like a flame, she will love you like a fly will never love you again.”

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Sweet Disposition // The Temper Trap

My best friend Charlotte’s favourite film is 500 Days of Summer. It’s probably due to her that this song is so high on the list. It makes me feel all kinds of summery.

“A moment of love. A dream. A laugh. A kiss. A cry. Our rights. Our wrongs…”

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The Lady In Red // Chris de Burgh

Okay weird choice. This song is cheesy af and a little annoying and my dad seriously hates it but it was used so well in season 4 of Misfits in my favourite scene and episode ever. I will never not appreciate that.

“I've never seen you looking so gorgeous as you did tonight, I've never seen you shine so bright, you were amazing…”

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 I Will Let You Go // Daniel Ahearn

Another song that tends to be a bit of a heartbreak song but I found it in Pretty Little Liars. All that drama is addictive.

“I'm through living in question and dreaming the answers. No more paving the present with pain from my past.”

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What Would I Do Without You // Drew Holcomb & The Neighbours

This is another of those songs that was featured in two shows. I heard it in How I Met Your Mother back when Swarkles was definitely end game (lol) and more recently in TVD at Jo and Ric’s wedding (lol). TV ruins my life. This song reminds me of my best friends.

“You got your sunshine, I got rain-clouds. You got hope, I got my doubts. Oh! What would I do without you?”

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Without Words // Ray LaMontagne

I heard this one on the soundtrack for The Fault In Our Stars back when all I cared about was John Green. It’s a strangely uplifting song with a sad but gentle tune.

“I can hear the morning birds, light upon the branches and each in turn sing of all God's praises without words.”

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 Song For You // Alexi Murdoch

I think this was on a Boots advert or something??? LOL SAD. I really like the lyrics and it has such a simple tune.

“And it's strange how you cannot find any strength to even try to find a voice to speak your mind. When you do, all you wanna do is cry.”

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 Both Sides Now // Joni Mitchell

Wow. Joni is my absolute queen. Her vocals and her writing are that of a goddess and she is honestly one of my favourite women in the world. Write by Mitchell for Judy Collins’ album, her version is my favourite. The lyrics are so beautiful and well written and it was featured in Love Actually (what a great film?!) and it’s emotional to say the least.

“But now old friends are acting strange, they shake their heads, they tell me that I’ve changed. Well something's lost but something's gained in living every day.”

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 Banana Pancakes // Jack Johnson

Another great voice and a rare happy song on my phone. I take this as my personal invitation from Jack Johnson to stay in bed all day.

“But the telephone is singing, ringing, it’s too early, don’t pick it up. We don't need to. We got everything we need right here and everything we need is enough.”

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People Suck

Today, I woke up and I knew it was going to be a bad day. I didn't like myself this morning, something was off and that really sucked. I am a firm believer in having bad days and being okay with them. I think it's healthy. I had no idea that it would get so much worse...

As I got in the lift before my shift at work, I noticed a 60 something old woman staring at me. I see plenty of people everyday at work and whilst I recognise the regulars, it gets hard to distinguish every individual. But this woman intrigued me, I knew I'd met her before. Before I could so much as smile she turns to me and says 'You know I still think you could be a model if you weren't so fat'. My first reaction was shock and hurt but all I could do was smile politely because I was in my uniform. I now knew why I recognised her, she had told me once that I could be a plus-size model if I lost some weight. As I began to process what she'd just said in my head, she proceeded to continue with her backhanded compliments and finally finished with 'it's such a shame when a girl has such a beautiful face and a disfigured body. What a waste!'. What happened after that is not quite relevant but I had an awful shift, cried and had to take time out, struggled to fix my makeup and had a few panic attacks. 

Now I'm a thick-skinned person. I've been through some crap but I am sure of myself. I never react to body-shaming comments like I did today, because I know a) I'm doing something to change and b) I am a genuinely good person. If I'm being honest, I have worked so hard to appreciate myself and now I feel at a loss again. The sad thing is, this lady felt as if she was complimenting me and the fact she would say something so twisted and indirectly spiteful is what hurt. I'm still feeling extremely fragile. Especially considering I'm going to be in Majorca for two weeks on Monday and I usually spend a vast majority of the time hating my body and locked away in my hotel room, it's so hard to hear a comment just before I leave that brings me back to square one. But hey, I know that the bottom line is most people suck. There's a rare few which don't and I'm so thankful for them. This lady clearly had nothing better to do other than tear me down that's the saddest thing. 

Just in spite of that woman I'm going to keep going. I refuse to let one person's opinion of me and my choices change what I've worked so hard for. Your own values of yourself are always better than those of people who do not know you. I'm a better person and I know it. And so I leave you today with my favourite quote: No one can make you feel inferior without your consent. (Eleanor Roosevelt said that...)