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Sunday, 22 May 2016

The Week of Lasts

It's Sunday evening and I'm feeling generally emotional about the week ahead of me. In a week, I will no longer have to attend school and I'm a combination of nostalgic, excited and terrified. We've celebrated with our gala last week and although we'll be back for exams; it's the dreaded final week. And we're all feeling the emotions. 

At some point this week I'll have a lot of lasts. The last time I'll stand on the Sinden stage. The last time we'll all have lunch together. The last time I'll moan about double english. The last time I'll look over the hill. The last time I'll edit on a mac in my media teacher's room. The last time I'll be with my classes. The last time I'll see half of my year. The last time I'll feel guilty about a panini from the pod. The last time I'll have to park up the world's worst road. The last time I'll fight over the sofa with my friends. The last time I'll moan about the language of the kids in the hallway. The last time I'll forget to sign in. The last time I'll be in the print room, the library, the sports hall, the canteen, the mansion. The last time we're all gonna be together at once. 

Goodbye to stupid breakups. Goodbye to the teachers who helped my pass. Goodbye to the teachers who gave more life advice than my friends. Goodbye to the friends who taught me more than teachers. Goodbye to bullies and enemies and petty arguments. Goodbye to the people who made my life hell. Goodbye to mistakes and the lessons I learnt outside the classroom. Hello to the future. 

There are new kids in our old lunch spots now. There are girls who are spending their break time in the toilets, fixing their makeup and their hair; just like I used to. There are new boys trying to impress girls who just don't care. There are insecure children just like we were, children who don't know what and who to pick. Teachers will change, classes will be redecorated, rules will adapt and if the next generation is lucky, blazers will be forgotten and sex ed will be a lot better. 

They say your school years are the best of your life. I used to think that could never be true but, looking back there really were more good times than bad. Too many memories to count, too many awkward cringe worthy moments to look back on. We moan about our school and it's organisation skills are hideous but it could honestly be a million times worse. I'm so grateful I spent 7 years surrounded by such great people who I've only recently come to realise have always supported me. They are honestly going to achieve so much. And I'm so excited for the lasts to turn into firsts. 

Monday, 16 May 2016

A Late Night Acne Rant

It's late and I should be asleep because I'm supposed to be looking after myself but naturally I'm emotional about the way I look. 

I haven't spoken about my acne in a long time because I haven't wanted to. But being stressed recently has effected my face and I've broken out badly; the sight of my own face makes me feel sick. These are angry, red, blotchy and painful spots around my chin and cheeks and I feel hideous. I'm genuinely so upset with how much work I put in and how little I get out. I'm embarrassed. My skin was so good and I'd fought my acne for so long but now I look nearly as bad as I did 3 years ago. I try so hard with it, am strict in my routine and spend way too much money on it to look like this again. 

The fact I will never have clear skin breaks my heart. I want to be that girl, you know, the naturally beautiful one who can have a few coats of mascara and a bit of lip gloss and look like a princess or Angelina Jolie. I hate being accused of wearing too many 'layers'. My skin is hideous. The scaring is so obvious and deep that there is no hope but to find a great foundation, get accused of wearing too much makeup and to come home, take it off and start all over again.  

On Thursday I have an appointment in Mac to get my face done and I honestly don't know if I'll be able to leave the house at this rate. I don't even want to face my friends and family when my skin is this bad. As much as I promote posivity in my lifestyle now, I'm honestly ashamed. I don't want to let my acne control my life. But right now it really does.

Sunday, 8 May 2016

Life Update #6: With Time Comes Strength

Lately, with my health struggles and lots of added stresses, I've lacked motivation to look after myself. I have come a long way and I'm happier; I look back on last year and breathe deeply knowing I appreciate myself and deal with my pain better. But my current situation makes progress hard. 

I have exams and seem to be constantly working and struggling to get to bed on time. I'm terrified to join a gym because I can't stand the thought of someone seeing me in my ugly glory. I don't want to be outside, even though it's beautifully sunny, because I'm ashamed of the way I look. I can't wear shorts or skirts. I don't want my arms out because I'm ashamed of how big they are and how much my dark hair shows up. I'm conscious of my alopecia and acne. I'm dreading my holiday. I can't find balance within myself to accept my flaws and still 'put myself out there'. Nether the less, I'm still getting up everyday and laughing. I'm proud of that. 

My main issue is that I feel unsupported or even ridiculed. I have my Mum and my closest friends who give me their time, patience and constant support. But to certain friends, family and peers, my goals are unrealistic. I'm too emotional, make up too many excuses about social situations I don't feel comfortable in and I don't try hard enough. I know there is no way to please everyone but on my journey to feeling comfortable in myself, I have been laughed at for exercising and for going to therapy. I've come to realise that I have to be my own motivation. I'm scheduling my time, setting short term goals, being creative, praising myself for small victories and reasoning with myself when I have a bad day. It's been 2 weeks today since my last panic attack. That's a record. That's something.

I'm a long way from loving myself however, I've learned to forgive myself and I know that with time comes strength. I'm my own motivation. I want to make me proud.