My Love/Hate Relationship With 'Fashion'

I have never considered myself stylish or fashionable. And I'm okay with that. Yes, I'm stupidly materialistic now and I'm not afraid to admit it but, I have never been one to splash on clothes or accessories. When I was growing up I always asked for books and dvds; I let my Mum pick all my outfits for me. When I first started earning money, a majority of my spending money went to makeup in an attempt to make myself feel better. And naturally, as I earned more and learnt more, I spent more and I fell in love with high end products and the obsession just grew. I used to be the kid who was good at saving and would feel very proud next to my brother who always throws away all his money in a few days. Now I'm the one who struggles to keep the shopaholic tendencies at bay. Yes, I buy less makeup now because I just don't need it and I have way too much but, in an attempt to lessen my insecurities, I still want to look good. 

As a slightly bigger girl I struggle with clothes. I have never known what looks good. I know I see myself as bigger than other people do. I don't quite fit into the plus size definitions but I also fluctuate through sizes very quickly. I have great body days and truly awful body days. But I'm constantly learning so much about myself. I honestly think the secret to body confidence is that I'm dressing more for myself and less for other people. There's a huge percentage of me that says 'f*** it, I'll just wear what I want and screw what everyone else thinks' but I know more about dressing for my figure now so I'm currently combining both options to only wear what I'm happy in but still making sure I look good for myself. It's taken a while to get here.

I'm not ashamed to admit I hate actually shopping. I have to be in the right frame of mind to shop; I have to be full of caffeine, feeling body positive and unless someone else is trying something on, I hate using the changing rooms. Whenever I shop with my best friends, I will always be persuaded to try something on. Usually I am disappointed with the way the outfit looks on me in comparison to the mannequin or how it would look on my best friend. More recently, with my growing acceptance of my body in every state and size, I have come to accept a changing room disaster feeling less traumatised than I have been before. I think I'm more likely to find something that suits me now just because my mentality has changed towards the way I look in things. Sure, my stomach doesn't look entirely flat in that but who's really looking? Yeah my arms are out and I hate them but that just gives me an excuse to buy a cute jacket to match this cute top. 

Ever since I paid for Premier Next Day Delivery on ASOS, I'm guilty of a huge order every so often. I buy stuff I'd never try just to try it on which sounds stupid but just shows me how much flexibility and option I really have in clothes. I try everything on and send half of it back. Not only is ASOS sizing trust worthy, the brand has never let me down on customer service (free returns, ree next day shipping, text message updates) and they have so much choice. I love ASOS (damn you Charlotte) and I'm not ashamed anymore to buy a bigger size if I think it'll look better on me. That's life, clothes look different on everyone and they're all made differently. 

I find myself more than ever seeing an outfit on tv, in youtube videos or in films and looking for something like it. And I'll try it but if it doesn't suit me then that's fine because there's plenty more that will. For example, I'm super obsessed with Hepburn at the moment and after watching Breakfast At Tiffany's three times in one hormonal week (and crying every time) I was obsessing over her wardrobe. I scoured Primark for striped tops, found these sunglasses similar to the ones in the film and bought this - the most beautiful trench coat for over half price in the sale that I can't stop wearing.  I'm also stupidly lusting over this sleep mask inspired by the movie which is definitely not necessary but so gorgeous. (I'm resisting urges to buy the exact lipstick she's wearing in the film). Also I've always been one of the only women on the planet that hates shoe shopping. Not anymore. There's a huge pile in my asos saved list. I need serious help.

I'm losing more weight recently probably as a result of stress, diet and just because I'm subconsciously dressing better and feeling better. People notice too, that's a bonus. I'm not at all condoning my shopaholic problem but I honestly believe buying things I look good helps me in so many ways. What I'm trying to say as always is that it is okay to feel great. You don't have to feel guilty about thinking you look good. However, at the end of the day you should feel great for you not for anybody else. Sure, a compliment goes a long way but I don't make an effort to be told by other people what I already know. Being materialistic is a constant struggle of savings over everything else in my life but I've got a balance. But if something makes you feel good and you are being sensible with your money, buy it. 

I genuinely wake up every morning wishing I was Blair Waldorf and I could live that glamorous socialite life, throwing money around but I'm now OFFICIALLY a struggling student working on her career in the media and self esteem issues. Even Holly Golightly wasn't perfect, she funded her love for Tiffany's and designer brands in awful ways. Anyway, enough Hepburn. My overall point is that I feel good when I look good so if that means waking up an hour earlier for Uni then that's what I'll do. I can maintain this confidence throughout my degree and do well for myself so that one day, I can spend what I want. When you finally shut everyone else's looks and comments out it's relief. I look better than ever and it's because I wear what I want and what flatters me. And trust me, it feels amazing... Now someone ban me from ASOS...

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