My Anxiety Makes Me Feel Like A Bad Person

I feel like a bad person. My anxiety makes me feel like a bad daughter. My anxiety makes me feel like a bad friend. My anxiety makes me feel like a bad person.

I feel like a shitty daughter when I can't tell my parents what's wrong incase I start to worry them again. I feel like a shitty daughter when I stay in my room and only come out to eat when I'm called to. Everyday I sleep till 11 because I have nightmares each night that keep me up. I feel like a bad daughter when I know my mum is worrying about me. I feel like a bad daughter when I push my dad away incase he doesn't understand. I feel like a bad daughter when I can't be the child they expected me to be. 

I feel like a shitty friend when I make an excuse about not wanting to go out. Or to the pub. Or to leave my room. When I stop drinking because I don't like not being in control. When I double check plans and am always over-organising. I feel like a bad friend when I can't be spontaneous. I feel like a bad friend because I'm boring. 

I feel like a shitty girlfriend. I follow my boyfriend around, because I’m terrified of being alone or stuck in a conversation with people I don't know. I hate how my anxiety means I take time to get used to a new situation. I hate how I'll never feel fully comfortable alone in his flat. I am quiet around his parents and his closest friends. I want to be the girl that makes them laugh and doesn't need alcohol to feel confident talking to the people who've known him longer than I have. 

I feel like a shitty girlfriend, because I am not fun. Even at night, alone together, there are times when my anxiety gets the best of me. When I know he's too tired to deal with me but he feels like he has to. When he reads my messages about anxiety attacks two hours later and feels guilty. Even though I trust him more than anyone I've ever met and I am not scared to be vulnerable around him, I will always feel like a burden. 

My anxiety makes me mad because I start fights over nothing. I read into messages. I get mad about looks and little conversations. And I look at every girl imagining how much more fun he could have with her - how much easier it could be. My anxiety makes me lie about how I'm really feeling when he needs the truth. 

My anxiety makes me feel like a bad person, because I ruin everything by overthinking everything. I worry about directions and timings. I worry about what people think of my worrying. I struggle to enjoy the good moments because my anxiety reminds me of the bad. My anxiety makes me feel like a bad person. It makes me doubt myself. It makes me hate myself and everything I know I should love. 

My anxiety makes me feel like a shitty that could not possibly be loved. Even though I know he does with and without anxiety. 

It’s still hard to fully open up with someone. It's hard to make someone understand when you don't understand what you're feeling. It’s weird to know that someone likes me for me, even when I’m having irrational thoughts that are uncomfortable to deal with. It's hard to watch the people around you get frustrated when you don't believe them. My anxiety makes me feel like a bad person - even though everyone in my life who matters would tell me I'm not. 

Wish List: Summer 2017

I can't remember the last time I did a wish list post. Summer just around the corner seems to be the perfect excuse to make a new list of beauty bits I can't afford, but wish I could for the warmer months of the year.

It's beautiful and it blends foundation in so flawlessly. I broke my original one and trying to blend makeup with half a brush is not a great idea.

Morphe 350 Palette - £23.50
I've just always wanted this one and have actually bought it. Not to mention it's always out of stock. Anyway, it's ridiculously affordable at less than a £1 per eye shadow and Morphe eyeshadows are super pigmented and easy to work with.

Pixi Glow Tonic - £18.00
This is one of the products that changed my skin for good. It is a wonderful toner that leaves your skin glowing and fights acne. Nothing makes my skin feel or look as good, I'm so heartbroken that my bottle is empty.
I still can't believe I haven't tried this if I'm honest. It's a cult classic and it looks so glowy, gorgeous, covers beautifully and I NEED IT.
Again, a pretty affordable palette for the quality. Zoeva shadows are some of my favourites, the Cocoa Blend palette is gorgeous. This one just looks really versatile so it wouldn't be a waste of product.
I don't splash out on primers, my Rimmel one does it's job. But this would give me such dewy looking, long lasting skin - especially paired with my Born This Way foundation.

It's £33.00, yeah. For a powder. But like I've said, there's no chance of me buying any of these with my current bank balance, it's all hypothetical. I've wanted to try this forever because I love Charlotte Tilbury and how simple yet stunning her looks are. This powder seems to blur imperfections really well.
Weirdly for me, I've been so into using less foundation and covering blemishes well with concealer afterwards. The better my skin gets, the more sheer foundations appeal to me. This is a two in one which will give me natural coverage that's perfect for summer but will also make sure I can cover any scarring a pimples I still have.

Anastasia Beverly Hills Brow Wiz - £15.50
I've been meaning to repurchase this for ever because I've kinda given up with my brows ever being even or tidy. But using this product is the closest they've ever been to perfect. It's just so effortless.

So that's what I'd buy if I became a billionaire over night, which isn't looking promising at the moment. Unless anyone wants to offer?

10 Things I Want To Do This Summer

1. Visit a new country with a best friend
This one's already in motion as I'm planning to visit Paris with my best friend Kelly. She's always wanted to be taken to Paris by someone who loves her and I'm going to be that person. I'm buzzing for Sephora!

2. Get a tan
Wether it be fake tan which I'm finally mastering now or real, nothing makes me feel as good as having a tan. I'm so lucky that I don't burn and that my skin likes the sun. But still SPF is a must!

3. Vlog 
I miss vlogging. I'm going to definitely vlog both of my holidays this year, some of my time in Winchester and my reaction to the PLL finale. I just love editing and making it look pretty. 

4. Have a picnic
It sounds so simple but I haven't been on a picnic in years. It's a great instagram opportunity and I like to think I'd make everything from scratch including homemade lemonade but I'm pretty useless so supermarket food will have to do.

5. Go strawberry picking
I've never been but it's something I've always wanted to do. 

6. Highlight my hair
Already done this one haha! I highlighted the ends of my hair last week and although it's super subtle, it's given me a lot of confidence.

Well, what would summer be without alcohol? I want to drink. Simple.

8. Successfully use the tube by myself
This is a huge goal, as ridiculous as it sounds. Travel honestly gives me the worst anxiety, even when I'm so prepared. And hopefully, I'll be using the tube and doing it this Sunday. Fingers crossed.

9. Finish Game of Thrones in time for season 7
So I was practically forced to start watching it and now I love it. I'm obsessed. As long as I get it done before the new season starts I'll be happy.

10. Be happy in a bikini
Hahaha. This is so unrealistic but I'm gonna give it my best shot. I deserve to feel good, so I'm gonna try to.

Planned Spontaneity

STORY TIME: Some days you need to get out and be spontaneous. Not for anything in particular but the little things build up and you need to find something other than writing essays in bed and feeling sorry for yourself. Kelly is the person who gets me out.

I'm not a spontaneous person, I have to plan. If I don't plan, I stress. So I've found a good balance in planned spontaneity.

We had planned to do something just to get us both out. Friday night. Whenever she finished work. Maybe go for a drive. Maybe the beach. Weather permitting. We'll do something. But that was it. Enough of an actual plan that I wouldn't be stressing about what was happening but we had no details of it actually sorted.

So on Friday, when I actually had plans for the evening, we had a power cut. For two hours I waited. I couldn't shower so I couldn't get ready. I couldn't make a cup of tea. I couldn't pass the time by watching television. I couldn't cook. I couldn't even write my essay. I couldn't tell Charlotte I was going to be running late because my phone was dead, my iPad was dead and so was my laptop. I couldn't even call her because her prone was broken. We had no service, no wifi. So two hours later when it finally came back I had to rush to get ready and ended up leaving an hour and a half later than planned. But I wasn't stressed about it.

I picked her up and we did decide to go to the beach. She gave me a gift she's bought me. I let her direct me because I'd never driven to Hastings before. We got everything that had bothered us since we'd last seen each other off our chests. When we'd parked, we took a nice - windy - walk to get some chips. We bought some cokes. We ate on the beach and chatted. We fought off seagulls. We walked along the beach, people watched. We got back to the car and decided we wanted sorbet. We stopped at Sainsbury's for mango and raspberry sorbet and grabbed some cola bottles, some maoams and some teeth and lips. We drove back to mine. We watched lots of RuPaul's Drag Race and half an episode of Pretty Little Liars. I dropped mango sorbet all over the floor and cleaned it up whilst Kelly laughed at me. I drove her home.

Now that kind of cheap, cheerful and completely stress free evening could not have happened if we'd planned every detail. She said to me 'I like us being spontaneous' and I said 'it's more like planned spontaneity'. Planned spontaneity is the way forward from now on.

An Open Letter To The Best 1st Year Friends

With first year over and so many memories, I wanted to take time to thank my closest friends at uni for putting up with me this year. I guess I'm just not really over it being over it yet.

Dear Monique,
Hey you! Remember when I wrote all that cheesy stuff about you on here at the beginning of the year? How long ago does that feel? 'She is the reason I get out of bed on the days I only have one lecture. She brings me iced tea when I’m in a bad mood.' Both of those still apply. Thank you for never making me pay you back for all that iced tea. I can't wait for the raspberry stuff to come back. I'm so thankful I decided you were most normal girl on our group chat before uni even started. I'm so thankful I recognised your watch across the lecture theatre. I'm so glad we both got put in the same group. I'm so glad we went for that Starbucks when you became 'Monick'. After that there was 'Moany' which I take credit for fully and will have to start claiming copyright on if everyone keeps using it. I'll miss your moaning this summer. Moaning about walking so much, moaning about guys, moaning about not having tea. I'll never forget that Cathedral date we had, what a life changing experience. I'll never forget that night you spat nuggs over me, B and Nat because you were crying so hard. I'll never forget the night of the cornrows. I’ll never forget the time I offered to drive you to the station and I took the wrong exit on the roundabout. I’ll never forget the night you lost your phone and made me trek across Canterbury extremely drunk to get it back. I'll never find anyone who gets as hangry as you. Long live #MoniquesMidnightFeasts. I know I haven't always been the best friend and I'm not very good at functioning like a normal human but I feel like you were one of the first people who made me love nights out and never made me feel rubbish about my anxiety. You baby sat me for a long time and then I started returning the favour. Thanks for not letting me forget my jacket that night in Chem, thanks for that night at mine when we drank wine with nuggs and chips, thanks for being one of the most honest people I've ever met. Also, nobody takes a selfie like you. I hope your house next year is everything you want it to be and you finally find someone who's gonna treat you better than these guys who do not deserve you. 'It’s genuinely a nightmare to think that if I’d been put in a different group or had deferred my application I would have walked down the Powell corridor and would have no idea who she was. I’d still think she looked pretty great though. She is pretty great.' I’m going to hate not spending everyday with you next year. Love you eternally X

Dear Mill (not Mills as we learnt quickly),
You’re just wonderful. I remember when I first saw you I thought you looked so cool haha. Even when you joined our little family late, you became a sister to me and I’m so thankful. You’ve always been my voice of reason. Apart from the times you’re an awful influence when I’m in the mood to shop. But even then, thank you. You make me feel like less of a psycho on a bad day and give me the best comebacks when my I don’t know what to say to someone. You are honestly the sassiest person I’ve ever met with the best insta feed. I’ll never get over your love for the ‘fajitas’. I thank god for you when it came to group work. Or honestly any work. Not only did group projects stress us out and frustrate us to no end, you have always helped me with my assignments. I’m an organised person for sure but you’re always slightly ahead of me and we swap work all the time. You always know the answers. I think you’ve taught me to reference better than any lecturer. You always remind me how long we have left till we can go home, you give me so much motivation to just get through the day. You are the only person who gets how ugly I feel at midday on a Tuesday. Although you never look ugly, you just don't look bad ever. You're the best at making me feel better because you don't take any crap from me. Thanks for the trips to Zara, Topshop and Eat dot. Thanks for the mutual Charlotte Tilbury love. I’m so so happy you didn’t drop out when you said you would, I wouldn’t have made it through this year without you at all. Never forget how strong you are and how good a person you are. You’re so genuine, gorgeous and kind. Go on, be a famous radio presenter now. I believe in you. Loving you always X

Dearest darling Matthew,
First of all thank you for being my gay best friend because I’ve never had one. I’ll never forget the first time we met. You just staring at me and Moany before that weird bonding session where everything got weird. I was like, he must be the asian guy in the group chat lol. To be honest, I still can’t believe you’re English. Just kidding. Or am I??? I remember really early on when we went to take pictures of the Cathedral to instagram. I remember realising how lucky I was to be surrounded by such great people and how good a person you are. Sure, you’re a messy drunk like I’ve never seen before. Your drunk giggle is adorable. But you have such a kind soul and you always look after me. Remember that time you threw up in your garden then came in to tell me you’d thrown up in your garden as if I hadn’t heard when I was only a metre away? Even after that, you stopped my crying over nothing, told me to take my lashes off, wash my face and told me to go to bed. Thanks for homing me that night. Shopping in ASDA like an old married couple and you sitting with me whilst I got glam was so lovely. I know it won’t be the last. I’ll never get bored of hearing about your drunk mistakes and the people you pulled on your nights out. I’ll tell you what I will get bored of though. Promise next year that you’ll stop opening snapchats and facebook videos with your volume on full in lecture? I mean I have to sit next to you 4 days a week, I don’t want that embarrassment haha. And don’t shout that you want to leave when a lecturer is staring right at you. You are by far my favourite person to get snapchats from. ‘I know I’m supposed to be on a diet but I’m going to McDonalds because I’m drunk.’ I have so many wonderful pictures of you drunk. I’m so glad we finally got our 100 day snap streak! You’re the Phil to my Holly and I couldn’t be without you. Thank you for the best advice and for looking after me. I hope you appreciate me as much as I do you. Love you unconditionally X

Dear William (the original William),
Weird to think we wouldn't even be friends if Moany wasn't late in that one Tuesday morning. You introduced yourself as a ‘nerdy lad’ and although I cringed when you did, I don’t think anything could sum you up better. Remember that movie day we were planning with everyone? That turned out to be just us and Mon a little later. I brought you loads of cookie dough flavoured stuff because you were feeling sorry for yourself and we shared a tub of Ben & Jerry’s on your sofa and watched Let’s Be Cops. I’m so glad we did. You’re hilarious, although memes have taken over your life. Your drunk FaceTimes have been rather entertaining and I’ll always be available to help you finish off a script at 2am. The lighting in your room is awful for selfies but your strip lights are amazing. You cannot ever be trusted with sound production/recording again. Thanks for that night me you and Mon shared a bed. It may have been the hottest night of my life but I felt so happy to be with you both. Thanks for consistently meeting me by the underpass at half 8 on a Tuesday morning. I’m gonna miss your face being the 2nd one I see at that illegal hour. You were the first guy at uni I was really honest with. You’re just such a good guy and an amazing friend to me. I hope you know I’m always here. I look forward to many confusing Goran lectures next year. Love you man X

I hope next year you all put up with me again and that we still have a dance together in Chem if we drift apart at all. There were times I thought I'd never make it through and times I felt so dumb and stupid and down, but you guys make me the best version of myself. I love you all, thanks for the mems, the laughs and the best year possible. Xx

The Things I Learnt in My First Year

In honour of finishing uni tomorrow, here's my endless list of some of the things I've learnt at uni (and note how none of them are academic related).
  1. Tea makes everything better
  2. Iced tea makes everything better
  3. Spoons pitchers/'piltchards' also make everything better
  4. Do not let MJ stick his 'ore' in your drink
  5. Group work can be fun
  6. But group work can also be a soul-sucking, demon that destroys all the happiness you've ever had
  7. Group work will never turn out the way you planned it
  8. Group work is actually just a few people doing a hell of a lot more work than everyone else
  9. And the finished product is always average at best
  10. Do not trust Will with the responsibility of sound recording
  11. If you want to avoid the embarrassment of everyone turning to look at you in lecture, do not sit with Matt because he is likely to open a snapchat or facebook video with his phone on full volume
  12. Matt is also prone to saying something like 'do you think he'd notice if we left?' or 'shall we just ditch the second half?' when the room goes quiet and the lecturer is looking straight at you
  13. Most nights out will involve baby sitting someone
  14. Most nights will also involve holding Matt back from going home with someone 
  15. Most nights will involve you spilling something down yourself
  16. Most nights will end in you losing/forgetting your coat, your money or your dignity
  17. Referencing is the devil and your tutors will just tell you you're doing it wrong but not how to fix it
  18. Sometimes they send people who are closer to students than lecturers to hold your seminars and they will not know the answer to any questions
  19. Your tutors literally have no idea what they're doing
  20. None of them will be able to work a simple powerpoint
  21. Or a light switch
  22. Or work out that the volume is turned off on the computer
  23. Double spacing an essay makes it ugly
  24. Cooking with Nat and B usually ends in some form of domestic
  25. Or an elaborate Disney channel dance routine
  26. Fajitas will always be there for you
  27. Monday night is Buzzfeed quiz night
  28. B's ugly cow clog slippers are going to haunt you
  29. Doodling is a very productive form of note taking
  30. You will never get sick of watching yourself back on camera or hearing your voice in recordings
  31. Tim's tips are the best
  32. Bry is bae
  33. Shadows however, are not bae
  34. Max can bs his way through anything
  35. You will wear makeup and regret it when you look awful later
  36. You will not wear makeup and will regret it when you look awful later
  37. You will ALWAYS look ugly by midday on a Tuesday
  38. Basically, you're not allowed to look nice
  39. 9am's are the worst
  40. You'll have to push through the tiredness
  41. You do not have time to watch a television series whilst at uni - even if you try and excuse it because you're doing a media course
  42. Bullies do not end in school
  43. Matt's drunk messages, snaps and selfies will entertain you in the early hours of the morning
  44. Student accommodation bathrooms are disgusting
  45. But you will be forever grateful to the people who home you when you have nowhere to stay
  46. Nothing feels better than doing work early and submitting it before the deadline day
  47. But sometimes it just feels good to submit something even if you know it's a bit rubbish
  48. A trip to Tiger and Zara is essential
  49. Being really drunk and messy is good for the soul
  50. Planning a coffee study date will just end up as a coffee date
  51. The moving bookcases are the coolest thing about the library
  52. Google Scholar is a lifesaver
  53. You can always rely on Harry to give his review of the week's film class before you go in
  54. Do not waste your extensions
  55. Stick with Nat in fresher's week, Nat gets you free stuff
  56. The Doctor Who society would be incomplete without Charlotte Barcham, it's loyal captain 
  57. Moany will never stop moaning about walking
  58. Goran is a mystery that will never be understood
  59. Trying to decide where to eat for lunch is a demanding task
  60. Do not let Max steer you into McDonald's
  61. Follow Mill into Eat. instead
  62. Harry's messages are the only entertainment available in some lectures
  63. The cathedral is a great place to escape to
  64. Tuan will never stop being Tuan
  65. Most people on your course are a lot more clever than you
  66. You will feel constantly dumb
  67. Visiting your friends at uni will leave you slightly underfed but happy because you get to clean
  68. He cannot cook a student meal without some kind of meat and this seriously offends you
  69. But meat feast pasta is better than it sounds
  70. You will threaten to drop out at least 10 times a week
  71. Millie will do the same
  72. Public transport is expensive and awful
  73. Canterbury traffic will frustrate you to no end
  74. Work will not understand that uni is your career and your priority
  75. You will learn not to cry every time you get drunk
  76. You don't have to enjoy uni everyday but you still have to do it
  77. Staying in bed once in every few months is not a sin
  78. £9,000 is a ridiculous amount of money to pay for what you're actually getting
  79. £5 is also a huge amount of money for a student
  80. Getting to actually go home after a crappy day is a relief
  81. Visiting your friends will be like a mini holiday and you will not want to return to reality
  82. You will appreciate your friends above everything

     I've had a pretty great first year, with major ups and downs. It's still the best decision I've made as much as I've moaned about it recently. I'm excited to do the modules I chose and to continue doing things I love doing next year. I'm glad I still maintain strong relationships at home, at uni and with my family despite uni being my priority and that's my only goal for next year. That and to be happier alone too. But for now, summer 2017 is calling...