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Tuesday, 30 May 2017

My Anxiety Makes Me Feel Like A Bad Person

I feel like a bad person. My anxiety makes me feel like a bad daughter. My anxiety makes me feel like a bad friend. My anxiety makes me feel like a bad girlfriend. 

I feel like a shitty daughter when I can't tell my parents what's wrong incase I start to worry them again. I feel like a shitty daughter when I stay in my room and only come out to eat when I'm called to. Everyday I sleep till 11 because I have nightmares each night that keep me up. I feel like a bad daughter when I know my mum is worrying about me. I feel like a bad daughter when I push my dad away incase he doesn't understand. I feel like a bad daughter when I can't be the child they expected me to be. 

I feel like a shitty friend when I make an excuse about not wanting to go out. Or to the pub. Or to leave my room. When I stop drinking because I don't like not being in control. When I double check plans and am always over-organising. I feel like a bad friend when I can't be spontaneous. I feel like a bad friend because I'm boring. 

I feel like a shitty girlfriend. I follow my boyfriend around, because I’m terrified of being alone or stuck in a conversation with people I don't know. I hate how my anxiety means I take time to get used to a new situation. I hate how I'll never feel fully comfortable alone in his flat. I am quiet around his parents and his closest friends. I want to be the girl that makes them laugh and doesn't need alcohol to feel confident talking to the people who've known him longer than I have. 

I feel like a shitty girlfriend, because I am not fun. Even at night, alone together, there are times when my anxiety gets the best of me. When I know he's too tired to deal with me but he feels like he has to. When he reads my messages about anxiety attacks two hours later and feels guilty. Even though I trust him more than anyone I've ever met and I am not scared to be vulnerable around him, I will always feel like a burden. 

My anxiety makes me mad because I start fights over nothing. I read into messages. I get mad about looks and little conversations. And I look at every girl imagining how much more fun he could have with her - how much easier it could be. My anxiety makes me lie about how I'm really feeling when he needs the truth. 

My anxiety makes me feel like a bad person, because I ruin everything by overthinking everything. I worry about directions and timings. I worry about what people think of my worrying. I struggle to enjoy the good moments because my anxiety reminds me of the bad. My anxiety makes me feel like a bad person. It makes me doubt myself. It makes me hate myself and everything I know I should love. 
My anxiety makes me feel like a shitty that could not possibly be loved. Even though I know he does with and without anxiety. 

It’s still hard to fully open up with someone. It's hard to make someone understand when you don't understand what you're feeling. It’s weird to know that someone likes me for me, even when I’m having irrational thoughts that are uncomfortable to deal with. It's hard to watch the people around you get frustrated when you don't believe them. My anxiety makes me feel like a bad person - even though everyone in my life who matters would tell me I'm not. 

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