I'm A Perfectionist And It's Not Good For Me...

Oh hi. Cryptic title right? I hope you're intrigued. I needed a bit of a rant so that's what's happening. Sit down, grab a drink and get ready to despair at me.

I'm writing this one on my second train home after changing in London. I know, so productive and bloggery of me, right? Only thing is, it's not too glamorous at all. I'm wearing dirty mom jeans from Sainsbury's that are only comfy because I bought them in a size too big and they could really do with a belt. I have about 1,000 heavy bags to carry from my almost week long trip away. I'm breaking out badly and I really need to do a good cleanse of my skin and my overly dry shampooed hair. But perhaps worst of all, I'm trying not to cry because I just got charged a £50 fine that I definitely cannot afford because I forgot my rail card for the first time in forever.

For such an organised, clean, working to a schedule person I make a hell of a lot of mistakes. At only the beginning of the week I forgot all my birth control pills, my medication and (although I only realised an hour or so ago as of writing this) my rail card for my train journey. Not only did I mess up my hormones and my cycle, I'm supposed to be on a new pill for this month and I'm worried I've messed that up too. I always set alarms because I'm a serial napper, but I often sleep through them because I've been up late finishing off things to give myself less to worry about in the morning. I thought I'd lost my work locker keys 20 minutes before my work shift the other day, only to find them in my car because past me had put them there so I didn't have to look for them before I left. 

I constantly try to be ahead of myself because anything less is disastrous for me. I meticulously plan every social occasion because I hate looking awkward. I am constantly updating my personal calendar complete with colour coordination to make things clear for myself. I feel uneasy if my posts are not scheduled at least a week or two in advance. I enjoy cleaning because cleanliness makes me calm. I'll happily spend hours organising things into folders. Basically, I'm a true control freak.

In short, I'm a perfectionist and it's awful for me.

When my hard drive broke a few weeks ago, I had a breakdown like I've never had before. The fact I'd lost everything I knew was always there when I needed it was devastating to me. I knew I had lost all my pictures and videos, all my personal and important documents, my music and all my work for uni. My blog content and organisation was gone too. It sounds silly but I lost a lot of important data and memories. It really threw me off, I had to start from scratch. I was mad at myself even though it wasn't really my fault.

When I mess up, I am so disappointed with myself, which makes my mental health harder to handle. Making mistakes makes me feel stupid - my least favourite thing in the world is being made to feel dumb or doubting my own intelligence. I know I'm clever and cultured and can string a sentence together like a pro. I hate that my occasional lack of common sense can throw off all my positive organised vibes. Having such high expectations for myself is not good for me.

I think I stress myself out so much trying to be organised and practically perfect in every way that I forget that being unsure and not planning things isn't always an ultimate disaster. Sometimes it creates wonderful spontaneous trips and sometimes it generates post content. Maybe I'll never be a popular blogger or a powerful business woman, but that's exactly what I want. I fear that if I don't go through with all my little plans and routines, I won't ever be able to do that because my mental health won't be able to keep up. It's a balance I'm still struggling to master.

Okay, rant over. Back to pretending I have my s**t together every single second of the day. Afterall, if I can fool myself, I can fool everyone else.

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